SANTA GETS THE SACK

11-12-2006

The Stirrer's resident poet Brendan Hawthorne isn't sure what's worse - the news that Santa needs security guards to fend off stone throwing yobs in Tipton; or the fact that the Times report about it claimed the Black Country town is in Wolverhampton. Anyway, here's his rhyming response...


Tipton Times

Santa's sacked his elves

Said they lack presence

now the larger than life

big guy basks in a state

of celebrated celebrity

He finds himself

flanked by body guards

in the name of protection

and in the spirit of Christmas

with sale price goodwill

He's now targeted by

the yobs ganging up on

street corners all mob handed

hurling eggs, bricks and abuse

Their minds set on the contents

of charity collecting tins

and barracking the magic

and belief away from culture

attacking the traditional spirit of giving

without condition or suspicion

hidden agendas or derision

And I wonder whether these

hard knock kiddies

will still expect a present under the tree

when they wake up

at four am on Christmas day

So there's no such thing as Santa

apart from the disco dancing diva

a remote controlled greeter

fresh from the export cases of China

It's the lack of chimneys

that drove him to extinction

his image left to pre-gummed

dual sized postage stamps

They'll be saying next

there's no Easter bunny either

no such thing as witches

or gun powder plots

delivering turnovers greater than

some countries' economies

And worse than all of this

is letting us believe Tipton

was last seen in Wolverhampton

Find out more about Brendan and Black Country poetry at www.poetrywednesbury.co.uk