WHAT A LOAD OF RUBBISH

17-04-2007

Following the hullabaloo about people being fined for leaving out their black bin bags - Brummies are the worst offenders, apparently - a letter has been leaked to Brendan Hawthorne from the ‘Amalgamated Re-cycling Services Executive’ outlining changes in the simple matter of refuse removal.

Dear Valued Council Tax Payer,

We bring you news of changes and improvements in our waste management systems. To avoid confusion this is defined as domestic rubbish removal and not relating to those who are on high salaries and the promise of a huge pension.

Please bear in mind that the ideas contained in this brief are recycled but the new wheelie bins can’t be and will take four hundred years to rot in a greenfield landfill site.

We, The ‘Amalgamated Re-cycling Services Executive’ (ARSE), wish to assure you of our commitment to our ‘value for money’ concept. In order to do this, we will outline the developments below by answering the questions for which we have answers.

Why four bins instead of one?

Our four-week cycle of environmental care really makes Bin Day something to look forward to. Brighten up those dreary streets with our rainbow bins! Green will take care of those weeds and cuttings.

Our slogan ‘just pop it in the appropriate bin’ tells you what you need to do on the appropriate day of the four-week cycle and we will do the rest! Certain types of paper will go into the Red bin with plastics and clothing. In the Blue bin go cans and metals. General waste goes into the Purple bin with the cartoon fun face. (Other designs are available).

Why four bins instead of one?

This one’s simple to answer. We couldn’t have a four-week cycle without them! Remember that the cycle of re-cycling will alternate every sixteenth week to overcome seasonal variations except when there’s a bank holiday when we will resort to plan B schedule (ii) in the sixty-page colour brochure ‘Re-cycling Made Easy’.

Why four bins instead of one?

Again, this one is relatively simple to answer. We couldn’t order four different types of waste management vehicle and train each crew in their appropriate field of excellence without them.

Why four bins instead of one?

We aim to please all of our clients, some more than others. In so doing we need to fulfil the needs of our middle-class customers so that they can appear to be environmentally-friendly from the security of their own driveway.

In turn, however, we will annoy those people who reside in the cheaper housing market (therefore paying less council tax) who live in terraced houses and have to struggle through their property and along communal entries with the appropriately coloured bin for the collection cycle.

Fines

As explained earlier, appropriate rubbish must be placed in the appropriate bin and wheeled to the roadside on the appropriate day.

Failure to do so will result in an appropriate fine being endorsed by one of our appropriate Litter Inspection Patrol, or LIP Service as we like to call it.

If you block the pavement with your bin or if litter is dropped by one of our Technical Waste Operatives, or Number Two’s as they’re affectionately known, the offending litter will be gathered by our Offensive Nuisance Engineers (a Number One) who will DNA test the material and return it to its rightful owner with costs.

Remember sorting out rubbish removal yourself would be a SORRY state of affairs. Trust in us and our LIP Service will put good practice into practice and if there are any changes, the council will communicate directly with you through their ARSE.

Yours truly on behalf of ARSE

W.E. Sawyer-Coming

Plastics Industry Service Sector (Universal Plastics)

Brewery Way

Dump Town On-The-Slag

Copyright Brendan Hawthorne 2007