FOOTBALL SEASON'S GREETINGS

11-08-2007

We've had foreign players and foreign coaches for years, but as the new football season gets underway we're also getting used to an influx of foreign owners. With Randy Lerner installed at the Villa and Carson Yeung at Blues, Damien Doran offers a helping hand.

Hardly a week goes by without news of another Premiership Football Club being the subject of a potential takeover by foreign owners.

This has raised all kinds of cynical questions about these new entrants to the game, such as, where did they got their money, why are there fraud allegations in their own country, what is their position on human rights issues and comments on their lack of appreciation of the games history and traditions.

Even Mr Stirrer himself has questioned the motives of the Glazier family purchase of Manchester United (to see the documentary Manchester Disunited, click here).

Surely these football loving philanthropists want no more than to be part of the greatest league in the world?

Having been ripped off by the sellers, they are then faced with increasing demands from fans to spend what's left of their hard earned fortunes into buying players at hugely inflated transfer fees and wages. I feel quite sorry for them. I bet when they bought their clubs, nobody explained to them about these hassles or that their investments could go down as well as up.

Clearly foreign owners need a highly paid consultant to help them through this minefield. I am willing to be that guide.

To establish my credentials here is my exclusive

Foreign owners guide to the English Football League structure.

1. The game is governed by the Football Association who take of the 'grass roots',run a quaint old cup competition and organise the England National Team friendly matches. Professional football is run by Sky TV who organise the fixtures, decide when matches should kick-off and provide the finance.

2. There are other leagues, other than the Premiership, and we will work our way upwards starting at the bottom in what is known as League Two. There is, however, no need for you to pay any attention, nobody else does and you will hardly ever find mention of it on TV or in the newspapers.

3. Back in the old BS (before Sky) days, the top teams all played in Football League Division One. Yes, even Manchester United, Arsenal and Chelsea competed, but it wasn't considered glamorous enough for them to bother winning it very often. Many other teams, including even Liverpool, have been champions of Division One and some former winners, including the famous Leeds United and Nottingham Forrest still play in this division today.

4. The Championship is the newest and yet most loathed of all the Leagues. It is the one no team wants to play in. Premiership teams are so fearful of being labelled a "Championship Team" that they are paid compensation for having to endure this shame.

Ironic therefore that the most important game in football is not the World Cup or European Cup Final, but is in fact the Championship play-off. The best players of the winning team get play in the Premiership, while the best players from the losing team get transfers to Premiership teams. It's a win-win all round.

5. The Premier League is of course the only League to be in. For the God-like super clubs that participate there are rivers of cash flowing into their bank accounts. Even the team that finishes last gets £30m! Now your investment starts to pay off! But, just to survive in this Division you have to spend millions and millions on buying players and paying them huge salaries, sometimes just to sit around. For some clubs, such as Spurs, Aston Villa, Manchester City and Newcastle, survival is not enough. They are prepared to spend even more money to achieve the highest possible position in the Premiership, which is fifth place.

6. The top Division in English football consists of four teams - or franchises as we call them these days. This is the Champions League Place and adopts the American style "conference division" system. These four teams compete against each other every week. They do play other Premiership clubs, but the only interest in the result of those games is in how each of the four have performed relatively against each other each week. Therefore, if, say Man United beat Everton, but Chelsea only draw with Spurs, Chelsea are considered to have dropped two points to Manchester United.

It is virtually impossible to be relegated from the Champions League. It did happen to Liverpool once, but a huge Government backed campaign got them reinstated. The biggest danger to these clubs would be if UEFA came meddling and reduced its size to three teams. This was part of the new presidents election campaign in order to win votes from countries who could not compete in UEFA's Champions League at present. Nobody would want that, so now that he is elected this will all be quickly forgotten, the status quo maintained and we can all breath a sigh of relief.

Now if any of you would like more advice, please contact my agent.

Predictions for the new season? Join the thread in the Sports Section of our Message Board.