Exclusive

NEW ENGLAND BOSS ANNOUNCED

29-11-2007

It’s not often that Stirrer readers have the pleasure of reading a real exclusive scoop. But they can today, courtesy of Laurence Inman.

I have been appointed the next manager of the England football team.

It’s been such an exciting week!

It all began last Sunday when I cycled up to the Blues and applied to be their manager after that Steve Whatisname was awarded the DCBM*. They were quite interested, until I let slip that I had once managed the Under-14’s at a school I taught at in Leicestershire and one year we won the Coalville and District Under-14 Cup.

‘Sorry mate,’ said this woman called Karen. ‘You’re over-qualified for this job.’

‘Oh buggering buggers!’ I replied. ‘Is there anywhere else you know of where I could try ?’

‘Well,’ she said conspiratorially, ‘I shouldn’t really tell you this, but I happen to know that the England job will be vacant as from tomorrow.’

That was good enough for me. I was on the blower to Soho Square as soon as I’d got in and had a nice cup of tea.

Two hours later a limousine full of fat bald blokes in suits drew up outside my house. It was the England Committee.

They got straight down to business.

‘How would you build a squad good enough to qualify for the next World Cup ?’

I was ready for this.

‘First I would find a goalkeeper who can stop the ball entering the goal.’

They nodded eagerly.

‘In front of him I would have four great big blokes who could cripple any attack. In front of them I would have four great big blokes who could cripple any midfield. In front of them I would have two great big blokes who could cripple any goalkeeper.’

‘It’s so simple it might just work,’ they said. ‘There’s only one problem; it’s already been tried. Many times. Many, many times.’

‘Okay. Well, here’s my plan B. We adopt a 9-0-1 formation. Nine blokes in defence, it doesn’t matter who they are, and one seven-foot bean-pole up front. Sooner or later, the enemy will make a mistake and then we, or he, will pounce.’

‘Better,’ they conceded, ‘although we seem to remember somebody called Taylor trying something very similar. Or was it Revie ?’

‘Right then, gentlemen. Let me unveil Plan C. We take the Arsenal team and make them all British citizens. We could do it in secret if necessary. Or force them to do it. Pass an Act in Parliament if they don’t want to play ball.’

‘Bloody hell! I think you’ve cracked it! Will four million quid suit you ?’

‘In used tenners ?’

‘Of course.’

‘Done.’

I start next week. It shouldn’t be too onerous. As a matter of fact I’m thinking of doubling it up with another job I’ve been offered. I had that Gordon Brown on the phone telling me he’d like to put me in charge of not losing things.

Things like lists of everybody’s personal details, which, he feared were ‘probably in the hands of the Russian Mafia by now.’

I told him I’d be glad to help.

‘There’ll be at least a baronship in it for you.’

Late Soccer result: England 0 South Birmingham Paper-Boys 12

Go on then. Who should be the new England boss?

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