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THE PINT'S LAMENT

27-10-2008

News that the pint glass could be replaced in British pubs by a smaller "schooner" has The Stirrer's poet laureate Brendan Hawthorne crying into his beer.

They’re trying to sink the pint
with a schooner
An argument with specific gravity
and no half measures
They’ve already
weighed in the gram
even run a mile over the Euro
Yet today marks the beginning
of the end for the mug
the vase and the straight
The pint is now an endangered species
That lunchtime quencher
that evening fall-out socialiser
Drinkers beware!
Your environment is being
taken away from you
The beer mat is being
pulled from under your feet
even as we speak
The sherry measure is about
to be brought in
by stealth
by those who can’t manage
a decent long drink
The pint is deemed too large
for the modern palate
of crooked little finger
cocktail drinkers and shakers
alco-poppers and
bottled lager takers
The real ale drinker
has already given way
Got hung-over a barrel as
pubs become crèche facilities
and adventure playgrounds
now serving gastronomic meals
at astronomic prices
all no smoking and
no blue language
And all I can say is
that if this metric generation
had had their way
the litre glass would have really
given them something
to complain about
There’d probably have been
injury claims through incapacity
or imposed weight restrictions
through health and safety
training courses on
the correct way to lift
and the use of trays
So while we can
let us stand up for the pint
a cornerstone of tradition
and to those who can’t manage
the volume
leave it to those who can
and order yourselves
a couple of halves instead!

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